9/08 Observations on Grieving

The state Fair and it's attendant chaos helped to keep me off my game and probably reduced the amount of sobbing over the weekend. Now that it's over and life goes back to routine around here, I am quickly and continually reminded of the hole that has been introduced into our lives.
I don't believe that I have ever lost anything I loved as much as my dear Ruby. Relatives are close, but I did not interact with them 24/7 for seven years. Nor did they wake me every morning by jumping on my chest and sneezing in my face. This is not recommended with larger breed dogs. I have saved her harness and leash along with a few select toys and her car bed. They went into the attic and will await their next owner. I think that maybe next summer we may be ready to transfer a portion of our love for her to a new pug.
The flowers, cards, phone calls and e-mails have been such a great reminder of how deeply she touched the lives of everyone she met. We are thinking about doing some sort of fund raising event in October. It will probably involve wine and homemade eggrolls along with other tasty treats. We want to help out a pug rescue organization in the area in Ruby's memory.
I think that this will end my posting here for quite a while. I want to end with a thought someone gave me the other day. "Don't cry because she is gone. Smile because she was here." I am going to cling tightly to that for a long, long time. Hug your babies tight for us here and peace to you.
Bartley

9/02 Not what we had hoped for

Ruby had a bad reaction to the chemo drugs and paased away in my arms at 7:30 this evening. I am devastated and second guessing every decision I've made with her treatment. She was our first child. God Bless her.

9/02 Vinchristine = Blech!

Last Tuesday they gave Ruby another injection of Vincristine Sulfate. They lowered the dose in hopes that she would not react as badly this time. Maybe a little better, but not much. This time she kept her appetite until late Wednesday night. Early Thursday morning she woke me up and I could tell she wasn't doing well. She was breathing fast and hard. She also had tremors. I don't think she ever vomited this time, but she bowels were uncontrollable, watery and absolutely foul smelling. Unlike the last dose, this time she became very weak and lethargic. She spent most of the day laying in her bed and soiling herself. My wife caught her at her water bowl whimpering because she was thirsty but too nauseous to drink. We have cried a lot again today. I called and made an appointment with the U and took her in at 2:30pm. More subcutaneous fluids and anti-nausea meds. I brought her home and bathed her and then took her to pug social at it's temporary location in Nordeast Mpls. Usually this  gathering is in our home as it has been every Thursday for the last 6 years. I brought her bed with us and she laid there and held court with all the fine friends who love her so much.
I looked back at her chemo protocol and this Vincristine is every other week for the duration of treatment. I sure hope they can get a handle on the dosage. I understand that the drugs should make her a little sick, but not this much. It's too hard to watch.
One more note. A big thank you to the great vet students at the U of M who chatted with me while I was trying not to melt down for the umpteenth time today. You are all going to be wonderful vets.

8/26 nothing new

I'm glad to report that the chemo drugs this week seem to be doing their job without making Ruby too sick. 1 pill a day for 3 days. She's lost her bladder control at night from the prednisolone, but that's pretty tolerable. Next wee it's back to the Vincristine Sulfate that made her so sick last week. The Doctor says that they'll back the dose off from the last time.
In the meantime, the State Fair is on in our City and that's keeping us all busy.
Later

8/21 Some observations

Ruby is doing well today. I feel the need to vent a little at the people who have different priorities in life than mine. This, in and of itself, is perfectly fine. But where do these folks get off telling me I shouldn't be spending so much money on an animal? "It's only a dog." Yes, but it's my dog. How is my taking care of my pet any different from someone else buying and maintaining a four-wheeler, snowmobile, cabin, or any number of other things? I don't have those things because I find them to be frivolous according to my wants and needs list. I'm sure not going to tell someone else that they shouldn't have them. If you add up the number of hours I will interact with and get love and enjoyment from my pet over her lifetime, I dare say that I'm getting a lot more value for the money than most people do with their hobbies or activities. Finally, it's not about monetary value. It's about love for my pet. Everything in society is so disposable these days. I see people buy a pet, put little or no effort into it's training, and then get rid of it when the experience isn't what they expected. How is that acceptable behavior and my taking care of my responsibilities to Ruby is a foolish waste of money? The answer is, it's not. I'm not happy about having to do this with her, but I'm sure not going to just cut and run when it gets bad. There, I don't really feel much better, but I got it out in print and that's something I guess.

8/20 Improvements

I was really worried that I was going to have to spend last night on the kitchen floor with Ruby. Fortunately, by 10 o'clock she had stopped soiling herself and I convinced Sonja that we should take the chance of having her sleep with us. Extra towels were put between us and ruby climbed right up and snugggled into my back and slept the sleep of the dead. I don't think she moved all night. Fortunately she snores like a pug and that was the most comforting sound. She woke up this morning with a good amount of energy and we went out to do her business and then she ate well and took her meds. Thank God for the small miracles. She's been a little quiet all day and has been a little picky in her eating, but all in all it has been a much better day. Here's to several more.

8/19 Bumps in the Road

I edited some of  my first post as I had left out some crucial info. Check back there if you're interested.

We had a very bad night last night. Between 8 and 9pm Ruby began vomiting again and also started having tremors. Every hour or hour and a half she would vomit and then sit up in our bed very agitated. she would shake and then retch for a while. Finally she would calm down and try to sleep again. By the time I drifted back to sleep the cycle would repeat. Neither of us had much rest and both of us were pretty gross by morning. She didn't want to vomit on the towels on the bed, so she kept going to the foot or to my pillow to retch. It kind of bothers me how little this act really bothered me. Everything went into the wash in the morning.
I put a call in to the oncology dept at the U of M. They are usually busy and I had to leave a message. In the meantime Ruby lost her bowels on the linoleum in the dining room. I broke down and called the emergency number for the U. They got oncology on the line and I got Ruby in to the Hospital by 10 am. The Vet agreed with my thinking that it was most likely a reaction to the chemo drugs. They looked her over and gave me the choice of leaving her overnight $$$, or giving her a couple of shots of anti-nausea meds and a good dose of subcutaneous fluids and sending her home $  to see how she looked tomorrow. She now looks like a lion with a mane full of about a pound of fluid. She is exhausted and can't control her bowels, but she's not shaking as much and hopefully we will be able to get her meds into her later today. No food or drink today. Tomorrow just small portions of each...we hope. All in all, this is a pretty sucky day.